This month marks two years since my biological father passed. I’ve been caught off guard with how I miss him at times. For those new to sharing my journey with me, my father took my mother’s life with a gun when I was 5. He was in such rage, he blacked out and doesn’t remember doing it…forever changing my life. At 5 years old, I lost my mother and lost my father, with no family in the U.S. I was adopted at 9 but haven’t had contact with my adoptive family for the past 10 years, so it’s been just me for awhile now.
I share this because I didn’t start my journey of healing from trauma until my 30’s. I knew I had to figure out what was going with me and why I felt how I did internally. I was in a really dark place, using drugs to numb and escape, depressed, living an inauthentic life, and never shared my reality with anyone. I knew the only way out was to prioritize changing my lifestyle and to actually make the time to unpack all the shit I had been through, and learn how the continuous trauma had affected my body and mind. Forgiveness to my father was a huge part of my healing. We talked on the phone and had a few in-person meetings, where he told me about my mom and our Indian heritage. Until my 30’s, I had never felt this type of love before. Had I not forgiven, I wouldn’t have had this experience, nor would I have understood the lack of love I felt towards myself all those years. More importantly, I would have stunted my healing.
He passed away 2 years ago and I never thought I’d find myself missing talking to him, but more so, missing his love. I share this as a reminder that if you want to forgive someone, give yourself the permission to. It frees you of the negativity that person brought and you’re holding onto. Forgiveness helps you let go of the emotional load you’re carrying in your mind and body, so your healing can continue its course a bit lighter than before. Thanks for taking the time to read and please message me if you’re ever in a dark place and need help getting out. 🙏🏽